I made this

Suzi- do you remember this joke? Nobody here gets it. I can’t even remember where it comes from, but it still cracks me up. Maybe it was a Saturday Night Live sketch, or something. If anyone knows, please tell me! And, by the way, I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU!!!! : )

Although this particular rant didn’t actually occur, I do on occasion sound exactly like this. I felt the need to get it all out. Graeme’s away again and they’re startin’ to DRIVE ME MAD again. I’ve also noticed somethin kinda funny. It used to be (back when I had a social life) that a couple of drinks would bring out my inherent Southern accent. Now it’s how worn down I am by my children. So I’ve tried to indicate this within the text. I’m sure those of you who are Southern, or have had the fortune to hear a good Southern rant, will have no difficulty in imagining this situation. Those of you who are totally oblivious, well. I suppose I could try and record it at some point. That’d be funny.

Oh. No. You. Didn’t!. I know you didn’t just look at ME like THAT. And you can STOP rollin’ your eyes around that head of yours, too. I don’t think you know who you’re talkin’ to, lil missy. I’m your MAMA, got it? Notcha’ friend, ya MAMA! And if you can’t show me the respect I deserve, then I’ll FIND a way for you to act right. Talkin’ to ME like that with those googly eyes rollin’ ’round all silly in ya head. I. DON’T. THINK. SO! And why do I have to repeat m’self THREE times before you HEAR me? What’s up with that? I’ll take you to the doctor, child, if ya’ gotta problem. If you’re deaf, I’ll fit the hearin’ aid myself! Now. Get that boney little rear end of yours UP those stairs and IN to bed before I change my mind. You’re lucky I didn’t smack you into next week!

This, on the other hand, really did happen while I was trying to type this. Graeme phoned and before hanging up he spoke with the kids.

Me: Here, speak to your Daddy…

(Jackson, in exorcist voice): HALLO DADDAY!

G: What?

HALLO DADDAY!

G: HUH?

(Back to a human voice): Press 8, Daddy! (looking at the phone, contemplating which number to push…)

Me: No, don’t press anything, craziness. (I take the phone from Jack before he accidentally hangs up and hand it to Elizabeth)

Me: Here, Betty, talk to Daddy.

B: I hurt mythelf, Daddy.

G: Aww, Betty. How’d you do that?

B: Ba’Boy hit me! (As she shows him by hitting herself on the head. We call Jackson ‘Jackie-boy. She can’t say that and it comes out Ba’boy. Some people think she’s saying ‘Bad Boy’, which often isn’t a far cry from the truth.)

All the while, in my left ear, Jackson streams a constant barrage of: When’s it lunchtime, Mommy? Is it lunchtime, yet? Can we have lunch? Just a little lunch? I’m hungry. Can I have a piece of toast with butter and eat it in the playroom? Is it lunchtime yet, Mommy?

Me: Good Gosh, Son! It’s only 9:30 in the mornin’ and you’ve only just had ya breakfast! You’re gonna have to wait 30 minutes till your snack. That’s about the time it takes to watch Spongebob. Now get off my boobs!!!!

(He’s developed a bit of a boob fetish. OK, boob and tummy. It’s no wonder, really. They’re both very soft and plush. Better than a cuddly toy!!!)

In any case, we’re off to the States soon so I won’t be writing for awhile. I’ll leave you with a copy of a letter that I received from Hazel. It’s the wittiest thing I’ve read in a long while.

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client

Isn’t that awesome?

Here’s my latest interview.

Watching The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy and heard this joke:

Jeff the Spider- Guess What

Billy- What?

Jeff the Spider- Chicken Butt!

Totally cracked me up. Well Alex’s behaviour problem seems to have vanished, coincidentally so has her teacher. She’s been off sick for several weeks now. And Alex has gone from a problem to prodigy, picking up three Barneys (given for extremely good behaviour). That she had NONE shows me where the real problem lies. And tomorrow she will stand in front of her whole school to receive a Head Teacher’s Barny, a special googely eyed thing that she can bring home.

There was an Easter Bonnet/Cap competition at church this morning. Jackson won for his age group (0-5). Not too bad! He was so excited. He won a Noah doll. Congratulations to Jackson, Alex and Betty.

Alex painted this portrait of me as part of the Mother’s Day celebrations. I Love it!

This is Alex and her classmates singing You Are My Sunshine for all their Moms and Grans. I’ve been singing this song to each of the kids since they were born. Betty can now sing it to me. I teared up, as any proud Mother would.

I also received a truck load of homemade cards and flowers. I did ask for chocolate and Graeme gave me two! Yummy! I slept in late, took the kids to church and am now writing this as Graeme prepares lunch. Later in the day we’ll go to Wayside to celebrate with the family.

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone. Hope you all have a wonderful day!

Alex lost another tooth today! We get to try out her new tooth pillow.

Alex’s behaviour has been so good recently that I have invited a few of her friends over to watch High School Musical with popcorn and pizza tomorrow night. I was supposed to have a 2500 word essay for tomorrow’s IAG course, but have failed to deliver. I will need to email it to her by the end of the week. I’ve spoken to Alex’s head teacher regarding a long vacation we will be taking at the end of April through May. He’s only allowed to authorise 10 holiday days during term time per year. We will be using 20. He’s given me only two options. Either I don’t go or I take her off the school register (unenrol her from school) and then hope her place hasn’t been taken by another child upon return. I wasn’t happy with either so I spoke to the council (Education Board), specifically the attendance department, and was told that he could authorise 10 and have 10 unauthorised but that taking her out of school is not an option, nor should it be particularly because Crooksbarn is a very popular and over subscribed school. So I will write a letter and that’s that. She was very nice and forthright, which I appreciated. I certainly assumed that by being transparent and honest about the trip with the head that I would receive a better outcome. It turns out he’s just being awkward. I think I will ask him to authorise 10 of the 20 and if not, I couldn’t care less. It’s the school that will suffer the statistics rather than Alex.

Men and burocracy just don’t mix.

How come the house is cleaner and tidier when Graeme is gone? He’s a grown up who vacuums, does laundry and loads a dishwasher. What’s up with that? Graeme left Sunday night for Sheffield. I got another parking ticket, we had a family day at the Pizza “Hunt” all you can eat buffet, started another lace project, potty trained Betty, been taking two classes a week(Information and Guidance/Counselling), went to the movies, watched loads of Spongebob Squarepants, held several luncheons, founded a luncheon club as a result and have been generally very tired but happy.

My next move is to start a business. I want to finally do that paint your own pottery.

Anyway, just thought I’d check in as it’s been such a long time. Will write more later. Betty and I are just in the middle of watching The Wiggles World Movie.

Graeme is in Wakefield this week. He had the flu last week and was in bed most of the time. That was my chance at recuperation gone. I’m going in to see Alex’s teacher this afternoon at my request. She was sent out of her class again last Friday. I’d like to get a better idea of what’s happening. I’m also concerned that she’ll be stigmatised by being separated from her peers. I know that she needs to stop her behaviour, but I believe there has to be a better alternative.

In any case, I’ve been feeling a bit run down for a week now and I think it’s finally starting to turn into a real full blown cold. Yuck. And the kids are sick, too. I’m trying to potty train Betty with reasonable success.  We were at a family event at the church on Sunday. My mother and father in law attended as well. Betty spent most of the time running around on stage during the event, playing the odd bit of piano. Jackson was too scared to go in (very loud music to start it off) and so spent the whole time  just outside the doors in the cafe area playing. Alex was very well behaved and looked after Betty.

That’s all that’s happening over here. Sorry I haven’t been posting much lately. It’s just very busy. Hey, my Katy shawl is almost finished! Hopefully I’ll be able to post a picture of that by next week.

So I was on the way to a Mother & Toddler group this morning when my mind started wandering, as it does. And I started thinking about body shapes. You know, there’s pear shaped, hour-glass, etc. But there’s no apple shaped body type, which is how I would describe mine at the minute. Then I thought, hang on a minute. My fat sits around my middle but my arms, neck, legs and ankles look ok. I must be corndog on a stick. Or even a shish-kabob of some sort. That makes more sense.

To be fair, I was taking a medicine that made me hungry ALL THE TIME. And I do mean all the time. I’ve since stopped taking it and have lost about 7 lbs. But I’ve also stopped eating so much junk. So I suppose my shape will be changing a lot. I hope so, anyway.

I took my knitting into the group and sat for a couple of hours knitting away. I’ve got about 16 more rows (of 500= stitches each) to do before I start on the border. It’s coming along just fine. There’s a lady there who I would describe as less than genuine. She’ll chat away happily as long as there isn’t anyone else more popular or politically advantageous around. But, now that I’m attending church regularly, I’m finding that, while I notice these feelings, they don’t seem to affect me as much as they used to. I seem to be more confident and comfortable with myself. Certainly having a good week with the kids last week was a help.

You probably didn’t know this, but I suffer from depression (in varying degrees) and a good helping of insecurity to boot. So that’s what the medicine is for. It also helped me sleep. So now when I wake up in the night I find it difficult to fall asleep again. But I’d rather be tired than obese.

There’s a real history of depression in my family, my mom and sister suffering the most. But mine comes and goes. I’m not sure why I’m sharing that with you, but it’s a part of me. I suppose that’s sometimes why I find it difficult to handle the kids, when I’m not feeling my best. Anyway, I’d better go for now. I’ve got to take Jack to nursery and buy some muffin cups. I’m making corn muffins to take to my class tomorrow.

See you soon!