I’m a crazy woman. GET ME OUTTA HERE!

AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Oh. My. God. I swear, today has been another of those days. (I’d say ‘one of those days’, but they happen too often to apply to me.) So many niggly things have piled up that I can’t even remember everything. But I’ll tell you this: If my son doesn’t stop hitting, whining, doing other than he’s told, I’ll trade him in for another model. And quick. Jeez, can’t he say ANYTHING without that incessant whining?

This afternoon Alex went to the bathroom and came down smelling like bathroom cleaner. She’d sprayed it ALL OVER the bathroom. I’ve been finding empty sweets packets even though she swears she hasn’t climbed to get anything. The other night I left my bath to find Alex at Jackson’s door. She quickly scampered away back to bed and I saw Jackson finishing off a little bottle of peppermint and cinnamon bed linen spray. Jackson regularly disappears around the corner of our house when we’re all getting ready to go somewhere to have a wee. I assume he’s marking his territory as I always take him to the toilet before we leave.

Again, one night recently after my bath I returned to my room to find a HUGE pile of hair in the trash. After a humongous gasp that lead Graeme to become quite worried, we both entered Alex’s bedroom to find that she’d climbed up my shelves and swiped some scissors, cut her hair, tidied it up and went to bed. I made her go to school like that the next day and then promptly cut it all off the following evening.

I just want to flick them off like fleas at the end of the day. My emotions contradict each other constantly.

I love you. You annoy me.

Come here. Go away!

I’m embarrassed by you. I’m so proud of you.

Let’s cuddle. Go watch tv.

I’m such a crappy mom. My children don’t deserve this. They deserve a mom who’s first instinct is to fight for them, not ‘what do people think about this’. Children are only children for such a short time. They’ll be in the ‘real’ world soon enough. So why can’t I relax enough to enjoy it? Why am I so damned concerned with what other people may think about me and my children? I totally suck the big one. All I do is police them all day. I get so tired of it. I really do. In my utopia, I sit and read with them, cuddle often, talk with them, colour, paint and do crafty things with them. The house cleans itself and everyone is happy and respectful of each other.

What really happens is I spend far too much time carting children around on buses. I barely clean my house and am still astounded when I realise how thick the dust gets. I shout, berate and yell far too often. I read stories at bedtime and have a good chat before they fall asleep. I’ll cuddle Jack until he falls asleep. When Betty wakes up in the night, I still wake up and bring her into our bed. Only recently have I stopped nursing her. I take them to feed the ducks. I let them help me make dinner sometimes. But I still wake up and go to sleep most days without feeling particularly close to any of my children. And I hate it. I feel really guilty for it. But not enough to figure out how to change things. I’m so tired and stressed most of the time that just relaxing enough to fall asleep takes hours.

I read lots of books about being a mom. Books from a humorous perspective, which I love, to teacher’s manuals about how to manage classroom behaviour. I’ve read lots of books about Post Natal Depression, which is also very helpful. I’m not sure what I’m looking for, or I do. I want perfection. I want to be supermom. And if I can’t be supermom, I want to be able to be ok with that.

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~ by imadethis on February 6, 2007.

4 Responses to “I’m a crazy woman. GET ME OUTTA HERE!”

  1. I really want to write you a long response right now, but I have to go to work very soon. Just know, for now, that I hear you, and that we are not SUPPOSED to be supermoms. It really is okay not to be a supermom. Just be the best mom you can be. I have so much more to say. I will, when I can.

    Hang in there. You are not alone.

    -Kristina

  2. You are NOT a crappy Mom. We all go through these same emotions (and if someone tells you otherwise, then she is a liar). My daughter has been a handful lately and I have those same mixed emotions that you do.
    I agree with Kristina – you are definitely not alone.

  3. Thanks, Stephanie and Kristina. I think sometimes I just need to vent. I have a feeling this will be a recurring theme. I swear, if I don’t get it out I’ll explode.

  4. Being a mom is not easy and I think that the idea of “supermom” is a silly one. The ones who pretend to be “supermom” are probably the ones who care the least about the well-being of their kids. We are all just out their trying our hardest and doing the best that we can and we should all stick together to support each other. Hang in there. And, venting is a good thing!

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